The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West

new LJ

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 06:40:50 GMT

i've abandoned this one for a while....and i got bored, more like procrastinating through school work, i decided to make a new one..so add my new one, it's http://perfectganesha.livejournal.com/ i'm hoping i'll keep this one more updated....ta.

new journal

Mon, 30 Jan 2006 06:30:49 GMT

i finally gave in to a new one. i made it before and didn't think i'd use it. but alas, here i am. i'm moving to blogspot. my new journal is here

great. a new home. i must wash myself of all the crap from this one. so if anyone's bored and would like to see how i'm doing....visit me in my new journal and leave a comment. it'd be nice to still hear from people now and then.

shoot me, i'm happy.

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 07:06:50 GMT

i've been trying to get a new journal, but i can never get the username/url i want for it. i really think i need a new one. i am such a different person now from when i started this LJ. everything will just end up a big jarbled mess if i continue to write here...but alas, i never really write, i'm either too lazy or have better things to do. for now, this LJ will remain till i get a new one that pleases me.

i realized something just now. i haven't been back to the philippines since i left in oct. 2001. around 4 years or so, i'm not gonna bother counting exactly what it is. i'd really like to go back to visit my family and a few friends..but i just haven't gotten around to it. well for one thing lack of funds stop me and well secondly, i don't really think i have much to go back for. of course seeing my family is a treat, but i have such a life here. so many things to do, so many things to build on. i'm so glad i moved out of manila when i did. i was young enough to not be completely brainwashed by most of what manila stands for.

i'm glad i didn't grow up there. i can name so many good things about my country, but this entry isn't for that. so forgive the negativity, but it's somewhat the truth.

i love living in vancouver, i love what it's taught me and what it has given me. i've always thought i grew up faster than most people and well i'm glad i grew up here learning what i have learned experiencing what i have experience and there's just so much more to come and i'm excited.

living here has taught me to be real, to know what's real and what's fake. it has taught me to see the good in people, no matter what their background is, whatever colour their skin is. yay for multiculturism. living here has taught me to be selfless, to know what's really important in life. that living a simple life, but a happy one is what's important to me. it's taught me to be open-minded. it has taught me that i can do whatever i want as long as i set my mind to it.

i can keep going, but i'm so sleepy.

but i'm so glad that i was born and i lived in the philippines for as long as i did, and that too has taught me a great deal of understanding of two very different sides of the spectrum. i couldn't have learned all that i have if i didn't come from the philippines. living two very different lives has certainly given me a perspective that not a majority of people can understand.

i'm still learning, i will forever learn and change, but i'm glad that i've met a few people that i know has changed my life and i'm so thankful.

"who can say if i've been changed for the better, but because i knew you, i have been changed for good." - stephen schwartz, wicked the musical

reading other people's lj has just made me realize how different i am from what i used to be or what i was to become if i didn't leave. honestly, i'm so glad i fucking left! boo yeah. if i was ever to be like that, i'd slap myself.

damn. i really like myself, not to sound so arrogant. but shit, i like myself again! (i had a few weeks where i wasn't so sure on it). i have a pretty good head on my shoulders, and i know my future is not going to be some fucked up thing one after the other. i'm glad of who i've become and hopefully who i will be, and i'm happy right now. i'm glad that i wanna keep changing to be a better person.

i'm glad i value money, because i work hard for it. i don't care about buying the most expensive clothes. i'm a girl, i like clothes, i like that i have my own personal style and i don't need to buy ridiculously expensive garb to show that. and really, in the end, it doesn't fucking matter, clothes are clothes, i just don't care that much anymore.

i'm glad i don't need to get wasted every weekend to have fun. i'm glad i don't need to be intoxicated to have fun. i'm not saying i'm against all this. if given the chance, i would occasionally do it, but i simply chose not to, just coz i don't care.

i like me. i like my boyfriend. i value my real friends. i like school. i like my mum and my dad. i like vancouver. i like canada. i like theatre. i like sex. i like travelling. i like being happy. i like being positive.

i don't know how long all the happy garbage will last. happiness is so hard to come by nowadays and it's very rare, so when i am, i try to acknowledge it and celebrate as much as when i am down and i like to complain and bitch as well. as casey always says, soulfood first.

thanksgiving weekend

Tue, 11 Oct 2005 03:01:52 GMT

i just had a fabulous thanksgiving weekend with casey. i didn't do much but i basically just spent the whole weekend at his house. so much fun. we just relaxed together..he cooked breakfast and thanksgiving dinner, we just walked the dog, played whoopie. haha we didn't get much done, but it sure was fun.

i'm thankful for him i guess. he makes me extremely happy. i feel so lucky. he's my boy. i'm happy he's mine. i felt sad leaving. i could really get used to living there. hehe. i'm just sad that i won't see him for the next 2 weeks or so. rehearsals is gonna keep me busy. i'm gonna basically live in school. it sucks. hell week starts tomorrow and we open on tuesday next week. i hope woyzeck goes well. i'm just excited to be onstage again.

as long as it is here for me to hold...

Wed, 24 Aug 2005 15:17:11 GMT

i asked him what he meant by that flawlessness thing...

zina: oh yah, just a question...What did u mean by this, "i am alomst sure that my real fear is not in being hurt, it's in missing something, that experience of something that could hurt me and flawlessness doesn't really exsist" ?

casey: it means that the things that have the power to hurt us also have the our greatest joys inside them. It's because it is so good that it causes pain when it leaves. Garth brooks said it best in the song "The Dance"

........I'm glad I never knew, the way it all would end, If I did i could have missed the pain, but i'd have missed the dance.....

flawless is something that doesn't exsist because we can't say the way it will end, or even IF it WILL end.......sometimes it hurts just to keep what we have, and it hurts us to try to get more. I can say in this life, that you are very very dear to me, and that you deserve many great things in your life, at this point I am so happy to be one of those things, and I will cherish it as long as it is here for me to hold.As for myself, I know i am an intelligent person, with sound life skills, I have a good head and heart, I know i am a good person, i know i have done my share of suffering and i have had my share of failure, i deserve to have the joy's in my life that I have, and one of them is you

but i never remove the fact that I already know failure, I know it's real, and how it feels and how it changes us

-sigh-. he's so great. so awesome. i'm so glad he's mine. =D =D =D

Mon, 22 Aug 2005 07:44:53 GMT

i talked to casey today. and well he said he doesn't think it's not going to work out anyways. that was just me. so i stand corrected.

but what he does fear is me changing. he knows it's inevitable and he knows when i do, he won't be able to keep me. and he knows he won't try to keep me if i want to go. i am young and still going through a hell of a lot of changes in life, heck, i go through it everyday. so once that starts happening and the changes aren't in favour of him anymore then he says he won't stop me.

see i understand all that. i know that. i plan to make my decisions on life based on me. not plan my life around someone because they are there. i simply have to go for what i need to do with casey or not.

knowing all this and seeing him today made me feel all the better. i am still as much of a realist as i was before, but with a little more optimism and hope. i know in my mind it is very unlikely for us to live happily ever after together. i am afraid to fail too, but for now, i am succeeding. we can only tell in time.

he is exceptional and i feel extremely lucky to have his path crossed mine.

we went to granville island today and hung out there then watched skeleton key. he asked me to come with him to edmonton in the winter because he wants to buy a truck. sounds fun. he says we'll plane there and drive back. he's not telling his parents he's coming though. we'll be staying at his brother's house or something. i just gotta find a way to tell my parents that i'm going to edmonton with my 31 year old boyfriend. oi.

is it worth it? or should i just get the pillowman to talk to me?

Sun, 21 Aug 2005 16:08:21 GMT

casey and i had this long drawn out text messaging conversation last night. good lord. it started with him being at the club and him finishing off on msn at home. i was pretty much crying all night, but he doesn't know that. that's why i preferred messaging so he wouldn't know that i was actually crying.

we were both talking about our fears. what makes me really sad is the fact that we both know and believe that WE are not gonna work out eventually and it's really sad to know that but to wanna keep going anyways. i've realized that he is worth all the pain and break up that i will ever have to go through just for the moments that when we are together, it's so worth it.

thread starts here..

casey: aaah...i'm in a club & all i wish is i was with you and the truth is that with a little booze that scares the shit out of me.

me: wiwwy? hmm..interesting. i decided to go to bed so tomorrow will come faster. why is it scary?

casey: i weep inside when i think i can see tomorrow and i know that there is "no day but today" meaning in a moment all is lost.

me: sad but true. that makes me sad to hear that. truth hurts and happiness is temporary. but as you say, i shan't go anywhere...

casey: really?

me: yeah i'm here but as much as i'd like to say always, the avenue Q song goes through my head. "except for debt and paying taxes every thing in life is only for now. each time you smile, it'll only last a while"

casey: what i want now is only now, but it echo's the hidden intuitionof heart, knowing the things i will not know....until tomorrow, i want u here now and tomorrow.

me: so we both don't exactly know what tomorrow lies a head...no one knows. only one way to find out. i'm in. no matter how scary and wonderful the way is. my mind is full of doubts, but my heart is set.

casey: be careful...this is where my heart & love lay ever so honest and pure, for so long hidden

me: i'm always trying ot be careful and safe. that is why everything is harder to do. i slowly take the padding off and underneath there is still a shell.
"say there's no future for us a pair and though i may know, i don't care. as long as you're mine." (line from wicked the musical)

casey: are u mine?

me: already am.

casey: it is u with time to go on, mine is limited. you have time to recover and continue, no matter how strong i believe, the truth is i do not have the luxury of time

me: I understand. then what are you to do?

casey: the same as always and like never before close my eyes, jump and hope that as i love it will be returned

me: thank you. Phew. :) what have you done that has always been the same?

casey: failed

me: oh. well then, i don't want you to fail again.

(what he wrote on msn. this is the time where i fell asleep already.....)

casey:   i think it's the booze talking, maybe i am sure and maybe it's just liquide courage but there is a reason for the way i am, if you think back to the begining and try to understand it from there

again as i have said, true to my heart, i am not going anywhere, but You...thinking about you scares me in a way i have not felt in a long time. sucha dramatic / tv style comment about life is not really my style but htis is what i feel inside, a little uncomfortable scared. i wanna dream but i've learned, that dreams hurt, (and this from the positive guy)and understand that if we go to the begining of us and we when we talked. all my thoughts about life and love and pain, did not come from women and failing at love, "for it is our greatest sorrow that creates the greatest of our human traits." it was the loss of a love more flawless, a real love that only our mothers and fathers know of us.

   it was the loss of my daughter that gave me this forever feeling of doubt, and i know for most it is a woman or a man, but it was my own blood. I watched it i cared for it I saw her change from nothing to something. The loss of my daugter wasn't something i say was taken from me.

   I failed, I broke as a father, as a man, as Casey.

There are things that i think, and part of me wants to tell you because i thinik you are genuinly interested,(even if it is strange), you wanna hear it. At the same time, i am scared to plant the seed of something bad.

My fear is mine and i have a hard time to explain it, but i so miss=< having you close to me, like i said, in NY, i stretchout my arm and you would grab it. everywhere iwe went, we were together, and there are two parts to that, one is to feel that way, (no names, no faces, just the feeling)and the other is to put your face to that feeling and recognize that feeling by seeing you.

I am drunk but i am alomst sure that my real fear is not in being hurt, it's in missing something, that experience of something that could hurt me and flawlessness doesn't really exsist

good lord. we're fucked. it's sad. it's sad to know that it's going to end anyways. like i said, happiness is temporary. i was crying all night, i ended up having to call blessy..always a comfort. thanks man.

he is an extraordinary man. i can't let all of this go to waste. i think i'm too selfish to let him go just like that. i wanna milk him for all he's worth and keep him forever. he's mine. and i am his. he is true about everything. even if i've said age doesn't matter. to us it doesn't, definitely not. we have a connection that defies all age groups. but it is true that in the end it is the one thing that will be a problem as much as we like to think it doesn't matter. between us it doesn't. but to our relationship and the future it really does. it's sad but fuckin true. i feel a little selfish for should i dare say it? WASTE a few years of his life if we keep going. i mean it's not truly wasting it, because i know we are something special and it is worth the experience, but he is 31 and i am but 19. if this ends, i still have lots of time after. but with him, he only has a few years to go, he's nearing 40 here. ya know. he has to REALLY start thinking about life. and i again quote...

casey: it is u with time to go on, mine is limited. you have time to recover and continue, no matter how strong i believe, the truth is i do not have the luxury of time

ELPHABA
Kiss Me too fiercely
Hold me too tight
I meed help believing
You're with me tonight
My wildest dreams
Could not forsee
Lying beside you
With you wanting me

And just for this moment
As long as you're mine
I've lot all resistance
And crossed some boarderline
And if it turnes out
It's over too fast
I'll make every last moment last
As long as you're mine

FIYERO
Maybe I'm brainless
Maybe I'm wise
But you've got me seeing
Though different eyes
Somehow I've fallen
Under your spell
And somehow I'm feeling
It's up that I fell

BOTH
Every moment
As long as you're mine
I'll wake up my body
And make up for lost time

FIYERO
Say there's no future
For us as a pair

BOTH
And though I know I may know
I don't care
Just for this moment
As long as you're mine
Come be how you want to
And see how bright we shine
Borrow the moonlight
Until it is though
And know I'll be here holding you
As long as you're mine

FIYERO
(spoken)
What is it?

ELPHABA
(spoken)
It's just for the first time,
I feel ... wicked

it's so our song i think. as lame as that sounds. but hey it's a beautiful song from a beautiful musical. defy gravity.

how do you know you if you really love someone or not?

Wed, 17 Aug 2005 13:19:08 GMT

any clue? coz i have no idea.

casey asked me if i loved him. i don't want to say it unless i'm totally sure. so i have to find out if i really do or not.

we went ocean kayaking on sunday and it was really fun. just being in the ocean again with the salt water was enough. reminded me of those olden days where i was constantly at the beach, but in tropical waters. palawan. mmmm.

being with casey behind me was an added bonus. i paddled harder than him. but he kept laughing coz everytime he stopped paddling and i would continue the boat wouldn't move. yet when he starts paddling we pick up speed. bastard. that's so sad..haha.

then we went swimming with blessy on monday. that was fun. i'm sooo dark again. gosh, i'm almost black..nah, i'm more orangy brown.

gotta go to work..

Thu, 11 Aug 2005 15:38:36 GMT

hmm it's been a while. i'm just waiting for jas to pick me up so i can watch their softball game.

everything is fine and dandy with me. the new york experience still lingers on in my days. it was great fun, great experience and was quite an inspiration. it's been almost 2 weeks since i've been back, but there's still a new yorker in me here and there.

everything with casey is quite wonderful. it was his birthday last august 8th. got him a book by deepak chopra, and i made him this cool picture float frame thing with the pictures we took in nueva york. it's been 6 months that we have been seeing each other yet it still feels like we're just getting to know each other. he's a wonderful person. i totally appreciate him going to new york with me. quite a fabulous experience with him. we became much closer and we learned more things about each other.

i'm quite excited for school, i already worked out my schedule and all. september 6th is my first day! yaay. i'm a bit nervouse and apprehensive. i just hope it'll be a fun, learning experience and i will be able to handle it. being out of school for a year got me a bit rusty in the schooling area.

i'm happy now...i think. new york was fulfilled. i couldn't be happier with casey and i'm excited about school. for now, i am happy. i am pleased. i am just enjoying the last few weeks of summer. casey and i still have to go on all these dates we talk about. so sunday we are going kayaking! woohoo. we're gonna spend a day at the beach and rent some kayaks. maybe we'll go swimming in the pool too i dunno. i plan to go swimming a lot for the next few weeks, so shit..i'm gonna be such a brown tanned indo when school starts. i'm already dark from just walking round in new york. we still have to go to the planetarium, storyeum, and more beach days! wooo! i want to enjoy the rest of my vancouver summer before the leaves start falling.

oh yah, i finished reading the half-blood prince last night. can i just say i cried like a baby. i've never cried this much for a book before. but it was just soo good. bravo jk rowling, bravo. can't wait for the seventh book! now i'm reading order of the phoenix again...i seem to be going backwards..

i'm excited for the rent movie. i was so against the movie. but damn it looks good. yay for the original cast. yay for idina menzel's hotness and of course her hubby taye diggs. what a hot sexy couple.

i'm too lazy to upload any pictures..but i will..soon..so pictures from new york are to come..

frustration! things i never speak about.

Mon, 01 Aug 2005 13:55:47 GMT

for some reason i'm in a really bad mood. carmela is really pissing me off right now for some reason. she's just on my fucking ass. i don't know what the fuck her problem is. she's just being really mean. like shit. she's being so annoying. everytime she talks to me she is so sarcastic. like i'm an idiot or something. i just hate it when someone does that to me. i don't tolerate it at all. she's just a fucking bitch right now. gaaah. frustration.

and shit i miss casey so much. can't stand it anymore. and i hate my problem. aggh. it's getting worse. and it's pissing me off. and it just sucks so much. i haaate it. it's gonna get even worse as the days go by. i hate. fuck. and my cervix. still worries me sometimes. gaaah. i hate iiiiitttt! it's so goddam depressing. i hate it. and shit i just miss casey. i can't wait till he comes here.

sometimes before i go to sleep and i just think about things, i just wanna cry. damn. like right now. tears brimming. great. right when carmy and blessy's here. must. hide. tears. i just hate having this problem. it's such a pain. i know it's not the end of the world. and casey is still gonna be there, and i'm not gonna die. but it's still not pleasant. i just hate it. i'm just worried of infecting casey. like i hate taking that risk everytime. i miss him. shit. i miss him. i just wanna hold him, kiss him. i want his weight on top of me. i wanna give him a hug, hold his hand. see his eyes. hear his voice. talk to him. i miss talking to him. we haven't even really had conversations since we don't talk on the phone much at all. gosh i miss him.

i hate having this dependency on him now. one of the things i didn't want to happen. one of the things i was most against. fuck. it was inevitable anyways. but it still doesn't help me out. watch me get all attached. shit i already am. sometimes i worry. one of the nights i interpreted his text message wrong, and i wasn't gonna reply since i got pissed off, but i ended up replying anyways. and he totally meant something else, not how i interpreted it at all. and it was all ok for me after. but before all that i was all getting worried that he didn't even miss me, and didn't care. but i know he does. he tells me that he is noticing it more and more that he misses me. he doesn't know how much i miss him. he always says the right things. he always makes everything better. he always makes me feel better and whenever i do feel upset he can tell right away and he has a way of just saying the right thing.

i'm also having the teeniest tiniest bit of girlfriend paranoia. and girliness. just a tad though. and i'm aware of it right. so i can still definitely stop myself. can't help but get that feeling sometimes though. gosh, i really don't like this whole relationship thing. it's bad for a person. bad for the heart and the mind. it makes life more complicated. and people are mostly unaware of these things. grrr. it's really annoying. but you can't help but going for it anyways. i guess that's no day but today for you. must live life through the joy and the pain. i mean right now it's all mostly join. and a little bit of frustration, that doesn't concern as to how casey treats me. but it's there. but sooner or later i know the pain will be coming. i know this is not forever. it would be a dream come true if it was. right now if that happened i could say i'd be really happy. fights, arguements, and breakups are inevitable. but if it ever does last for a while, i hope in the end we'll still get together.

sometimes i think i love him. but i don't really know that. i don't know if i really do. and i don't know what it's really like to love someone and be in love with them. i wanna know for sure. it's fun to say it to myself sometimes. i love him. haha see that felt good. but i know this for sure, he is someone very dear to me. i care for him so much. i feel like i am a much better person when i am with him. i've learned so much from him and i just feel good when i'm with him.

i miss him. i miss him. i miss him.

dirty rotten scoundrels

Mon, 01 Aug 2005 13:55:38 GMT

blessy's coming to new york tonight! wheee. yaaay. finally! we're picking her up in a bit.

carmela and i watched dirty rotten scoundrels tonight. sooo good. full original cast. john lithgow, norbert leo butz and sherie renee scott! sherie didn't come out at the stage door to sign autographs though. gosh, i hate it when they do that. carmy and i both vow that when we are famous we won't do that. haha. someday.

we saw norbert though! and his little kids. his little girl was really bratty. she was all waiting in the limo going "my daddy's signing autographs!" and "my dad's norbert!" meh. oh well.

gosh i really do miss casey. i talked to him today though. he finally booked the hotel. i feel bad since he's spending all this money just to come with me to new york. i am really really grateful. he makes me so happy. i'm so excited for when he comes. i keep asking what he wants to do here. like if he wants to do this or that. i mean i really wanna make sure that his money is worth it because new york is awesome, and i think it is totally worth it. but he keeps saying that just as long he's with me and all he really wants to do is to see me.

s-p-e-l-l-i-n-g-b-e-e

Mon, 01 Aug 2005 13:54:42 GMT

watched 25th annual putnam county spelling bee. omg, it was the best. it was soooooo funny!! hahaha. it was so great. met the actors after. jose llana! yeaaah. oh and david hasselhoff was watching the show, so we saw him, and they unexpectedly got him to be guest speller! agggh! it was soooo funny!!! i love the show . it's my favooorite now. haha. so goood.

aand the best thing is we sat at the front bleachers because i won the lottery! and got cheap tickets! wooohoo. it's great! yaaay. i'm lucky! hehehe. i hope i win wicked and we're gonna try to watch dirty rotten scoundrels tomorrow. must meet norbert leo butz, sherie renee scott and john lithgow!! aack. i hope i get it. and the theatre was so cute. they made it look like a real school. haha. such a fun show! and i saw the original cast! which i'm quite happy about.

as we were going home, we ran into this little black girl who was so cute and friendly. she danced with us in the street and took pictures. soooo cute! awwww. her name is tania. awww soo cuuute.

fetchez la vache!

Mon, 01 Aug 2005 13:54:28 GMT

last night carmela and i watched SPAMALOT!! omg, it was soooo funny. hilarious! we bought standing room only tickets for really cheap. it was worth all the standing. it was soo fricking funny! we met the actors after as usual, and i was SOOOOOO excited to meet tim curry. but he never came out! i was soooo disappointed. i loove him. i told everyone that i was gonna stalk him. but not really, all i really wanted was a picture a hug and an autograph. damn him. so sad. oh well i can just come back another night at the shubert and meet him then.

"mr. curry, can i have a hug?"
"omg mr. curry i loved you in rocky horror picture show!!"
"you were so good as rooster in annie!"

haha. i'm such a dork. i've been having these situations in my head as to how i want to meet him and what i want to say...agggh. i'm so mad that he didn't come out! david hyde pierce, sara ramirez and some of the other cast members did. pppooooo.

fiddler and the producer

Mon, 01 Aug 2005 13:53:30 GMT

last night i watched fiddler on the roof with harvey fierstein. it was sooooo good. we got free tickets and our seats were front row, smack dead center. it was great, and how much did we pay for it? $0.00!! haha. i've only watched 4 shows so far, and i think fiddler is one of the best so far. i was so like...wow..this is broadway. wow. the rest of the cast were awesome. like really really good. really really professional. andrea martin was mama. she's canadian! yaay.

seriously, it was awesome. their set was fantastic. at one point in the show the stage would slant, and considering we were front row it was like whoaaa trippy. they had a well with real water on the stage, it kinda splattered on us a little bit. but the best part was when harvey fierstein's spit landed on us. haha it was great.

"tradiiitioooon! tradition!" haha i love that song. it's so cool. it was a big elaborate choreographed dance number. it was great.

i also went to see the producers yesterday. i saw the matinee show and it was soo good. theatre was pretty packed. i swear almost all of the members of the audience were at least over 65!! i swear it must've been seniors show or something. so it was really weird seeing the little old lady land number on stage then seeing these 4 golden girls right infront of me.

anyhoo, the show was hilarious! brad oscar was aweesooome as max bialystock. and a few of the original ensemble was still there like kathy fitzgerald and the black girl, etc. haha i dunno. but it was sooo good. my favorite part was "springtime for hitler". shit it was funny and i love it when they bring out the army, lift the mirror and form the swastika. hahahahaha. it was frickin money man.

it's like almost 7 am. i'm up this early so carmela and i can line up for spamalot's standing room tickets. we wanna be there by 8:30 and box office open at 10 am. we were there yesterday and they just ran out of tickets when it was our turn. gaah. i don't care if i have to stand, i just wanna meet tim curry! i looooovee him.

i also got to talk with casey last night. awww i miiisss him. he's so good to me. it was really good talking to him. i get really embarassed when he starts saying nice things to me, so i just brush it off like everything's a joke. gosh, i'm so bad at that. haha. he says he's been saving the message of when i first called him from here. said it was really sincere or some shit like that. haha. i told him that by the time he gets here i might have some weird culture growing on my face because of the bad air, then he goes out and tells me that it wouldn't change what he thought of me. =D i just answered with "why do you always try to say nice things??". he says he's not trying to, it's just what he thinks. SEE WHAT I MEAN? damn him. always saying the right things. all the things a girl needs to frickin hear. hahaha. WOE IS ME.

oh i kid folks, i kid, i kid. this is my way of appreciating these sweet girly things that i am AGAINST of. haha. oh gosh, i'm in such denial.

11 more days till he gets here. agggh. i can't wait. i keep missing him coz i keep thinking about him. like all through out my day, i'd be doing something then my thoughts shift to how it would be like if casey was there doing it with me. all the time! and i keep watching all these shows that i have something that maybe relates to casey and me. so im just like awww where's casey..? boo frickin hoo to me.

oh well. i must take a shower and be on with another new yorker day. i am determined to make this day spamalot day. =D

new york city, center of the universe

Mon, 01 Aug 2005 13:53:00 GMT

so here in new york city. it's like 4:22 am, woke up can't sleep anymore since i went to bed so early. like at 9:30! how lame is that? i never sleep that early in vancouver, and hello i'm in new york city. i think it's because it's so goddam hot that all the energy that you have will be drained from you right in the middle of the day.

anyhoo, i went out with cinelle today! she took me to soho and the village. it was fun. i got to shop at this vintage store called screaming mimi's, where there was a filipino girl working and she thought it was so interesting that WE were filipinos and that we grew up in the philippines. haha we're awesome. cinelle found this beautiful vintage black dress. can't quite describe it, but it's suuuper hot. can't wait to wear it. cinelle got first dibs on wearing it because she DID find it. hehe. good purchase indeed. oh and i also got this funky gauchos.

then we went back to midtown and walked around herald square. shopped a little bit down there too. then i got to meet her french boss who did some fashion marketing thing. he was a very nice french man. hehe. considering the few french people i know, and the one that distinctly resurfaces in my mind when you say french man is terry. that asshole of a human being. who in fact is the one thing that is bad in casey's life. so he's been trying to cut him off for a while now. hehe.

carmela sleeps beside me in the bed. hope she doesn't find the glare of my laptop and the tap tapping of the keyboard annoying. meh. oh well.

i hope we can watch spamalot or some other show tomorrow. this week is broadway week, next week when blessy comes, i'll be doing shopping, and the 3rd when casey comes, i'll be doing touristy stuff.

gosh i love new york. i love it. i love being here. this is it. this is the place.

but at the same time i'm appreciating vancouver more for it's cleanliness and organization. i love vancouver too. it's much more relaxed and clean. the air is clean. the people aren't so aggresive. transit is much more effective, and....it's home.

new york reminds me so much of manila. i swear it's soo similar, the garbage, the people, the shit smell that surrounds much of every corner.

but it's still beautifu with all the tall buildings and the bright lights, the liveliness, the atmosphere. i live on 40th and 8th. midtown, right where the theatre district is. right by times square. seriously a 5 minute walk from the nederlander theatre. i love it, it's great.

oh. and i went to zara here in new york. they have the same annoying sale here. i took a picture with it. i'll send that over to the staff.

i have "i'll cover you" stuck in my head. the song made me cry while watching rent....hmmm. guess i was thinking about casey. gosh loser much. with lines like..
"i'ved long to discover somethingn as true as this is"
"i think they meant it when they say you can't buy love, now i know you can rent it. a new lease for you, my love, on life, be my life"

i miiiisssss him! i dooooo. aggggh. 13 more days till he comes. i'm excited for him to come, yet at the same time i'll be sad because that means i'll be going home soon after. which will suck. or maybe by that time i'll be ready to go home. i already miss vancouver....kinda. i miss the CLEAN AIR! i feel so goddam dirty here all the time. my skin is not cooperating so well. the 3 years and 9 months that i have been in vancouver has conditioned my skin to breathing in fresh clean air...now i'm NOT used to dirty new york air...like dirty manila air.

umm , so back to missing casey. haha. now i have visions in my head of meeting him at the airport. gosh, i'm such a dork. i also now feel the necessary precautions of detachment, just coz i'm really into him now. i feel that need of distancing myself so i don't get hurt. so if or when he does screw me over, i can get out of it alive. but i don't know if i can bring myself to do that. he just seems so real and right to me. when we get back to vancouver , it will almost have been 6 months. 6 months is big! it's like half a year, next thing i know it'll be one year. holy crap.

random note, i feel a tad bit worried about my "changing" cervix. gah. why must i be so broken. that's it, i really am adopting. =(

taking a bite out of the big apple

Mon, 01 Aug 2005 13:50:50 GMT

i'm on the airplane right now, flying to new york. i like plane rides, but i guess not when i'm alone. it's my first time flying alone and i got special treatment. i like flying cathay pacific. i sit here in disgust because the stench of baby shit is in the air. goddammit. it's been like this since vancouver. i had to scarf down my food as soon as it got to me, so i could be smelling the food instead of the baby shit.

it's not so bad, i'm going to new york after all. i think i've got about an hour and 20 minutes till arrival. new york baby. it's new york.

i've been sitting here since for a couple of hours now, and i can't believe i'm missing casey already. i kept thinking how this flight would be so much better if he was right beside me. damn, why didn't he get the same ticket going back with me. i'll see him on the 25th though. i'm excited for when he comes.

i watched fever pitch for my inflight movie. it was nice. very sweet. some stuff they did reminded me of casey and i. see what i mean?! i'm crazy, i miss him already and i saw him yesterday for a bit. he's so great, i just wish this could last forever. but i'm not THAT crazy to think it would.

it'll be quite interesting living with carmy in new york. i kept saying that i was scared, coz i knew she hated me. well, she doesn't hate me, she just...well....isn't fond of me in large amounts of time. and frick this new york trip is 3 weeks.

fuuuccck! that smell keeps wafting over where i'm sitting! goddaaaammit! it's filthy. am i the only who's smelling this? i have my shirt over my nose because it's that baaad. gaaah.

i can't believe i'm actually going to new york. all this time, i've been waiting. bidding my time. and now i'm actually going. it's too crazy.

hmm next random thought..

so yesterday i was with casey, we were walking the dog. he asked me for a lighter because he forgot his. and i ask him with a frustrated tone,

me:"why am i encouraging this?".....
casey: "because you--big pause-, haha, i always do that, i always almost throw it out there"..
and i get all confused, "what the heck are you talking about? huh? what?"
casey: "no nevermind, you knew what i was gonna say. nevermind."
me: "no i don't. oh whatever you're not getting the lighter"
casey "well i was gonna say, 'because you love me', but i stopped myself. i was so easy to throw it out on the table just like that but i stopped myself"
me: "good thinking"

this is all very light and playful. so it's not really a big deal. it's just kinda funny, but it makes me think how he thinks about that stuff. i mean i do..a little bit, but i try to push it as far as possible, because quite frankly, i'm not ready to just throw it out on the plate like that. and the L word, the word we do NOT speak about, is something quite valuable to me, and must never to be just said to anyone. i feel very strongly about this. i'm quite opposed to people who say i love you to people even if they don't even know they are, they probably aren't, and who are probably only delusional. if i had to say it, i want to mean it. i want to be sure. i want it to be real.

all you people must think i'm this totally bitter cynical girl (well i was for most part of my life, still am at times), that doesn't believe in love. but hey, i do. i just don't think i'm ready for it. i don't want to say it just for the sake of saying it. i want to live it before i say it. action do speak louder than words ya know.

-sigh- i miss casey. he's one of the greatest things that ever happened to me so far. gosh, i hate missing people. it sucks.

anyhoo, the clinic called me. i'm SOO fucking broken. the shit just keeps coming and coming. i swear those people fucked me over. they fucked me over good. people say things are uncommon and things are very unlikely. the statistics are 1 out of 10 percent. i just think i'm the fuckin statistic. i'm the one goddam percent! fuuuck.

as i was at the airport in vancouver earlier, i remembered how the black guy works there. man, if i ever ran into him again, i dunno what i would do. he doesn't know how much pain and trouble he's fuckin causing me. sometimes i think it's over, but then more shit comes. casey just wants to knock him out. and frankly, i wouldn't mind.

alas, i should forget my sorrows and be happy because in about 45 minuntes i'll be in new york.

Tue, 05 Jul 2005 06:06:23 GMT

so last night both my parents sat me down and talked to me. they talked to me about me going to new york, how i should be careful and all that jazz. talked to me about going back to school and how i should work hard. blah blah blah. but amongst all that, they finally brought up how my mum LOOKED THROUGH MY BAG, FOUND MY BC PILLS & CONDOMS, AND READ MY JOURNAL! they were concerned.

surprisingly, they were really nice about it. they were just concerned about my health. when they called me, i was already thinking about what lie i should tell them..

i came up with "i went to the clinic with my co worker and they were giving away free birth control, and condoms.."

but before i could even come up with the lie, my mum already admitted she read my journal, so that left me to tell the truth. so yes, they know i have sex. yes they know about casey (they don't know how old he is, i dont' think). and they know about other things i'm dealing with right now. they were really very nice about it. they were just REALLY concerned about my health. they were proposing that i should start going to my mum's doctor.

but aside from all that, i STILL THINK IT'S WEIRD!! it's sooo weird. agggh. oh oh and they said if i had a boyfriend, it's fine, but they want to meet him and he has to come over to the house so they can meet him, (omg, soooo filipino). in my head i'm just thinking, no frickin way.

before the conversation ended, i asked my dad "do you care who i date?"...he says he doesn't know, coz he doesn't know who i date...and he says he's not judgemental about those things, and it really doesn't matter to them, coz i'll be the one who has to deal with the person. but i don't think he got that i REALLY meant "do you care if he's 30? oh yah, actually he's turning 31 next month". ohh boy.

so i will do everything in my power so this meeting of parents and boy will not happen. not yet at least. not ready. i don't even call him boyfriend and yet my parents will make me start saying it, because i wouldn't be able to explain the whole, "we're seeing each other" deal.

all they really want from me is to tell them what's going on with me, work hard in school and not come home so late all the time. i got the school thing down already, i have to work on the other two requests.

anyhoo, today is my parents 20th anniversary. i made plans with casey but i had to cancel because my parents wanted to have dinner at the boathose, guess who lives 2 blocks away from the boathouse? CASEY. so i saw him before dinner and he succesfully got me excited before going to dinner. boathouse is awesome. hella expensive, but definitely good service and food. my brother made me look bad by paying for the bill. whip out his credit card. the bastard. ah well. free food.

oh yah, today is also my last day at zara. it's a shame i won't see everyone as much, and i will miss them. i've met some great cats at work. and i know they'll miss me too. but again, i'm not dying and i'm only gone for 3 weeks. i'll definitely come back and visit. again i took a bunch of pictures..i'll post it once i'm not lazy.

but alas, i must start packing! that, or go to bed, think of casey and soak up. haha. ohhh boy.

wing & zina day

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 16:39:19 GMT

i went out with wing yesterday and it was fuun!! whee. i love wing, she's so cool. haha. i know you might be reading this wing.

anyhoo, we went to the drive, and ate indian food at this place called tandoori palace. it's cheap and good! always the vital factor when eating out. we then proceeded to take pictures with the antique phone booth along the drive.

pictures to come later..i'm too lazy to upload..gaah.

7 days yo. 7 days.

actually, i'm even too lazy to update properly...booo...

EDIT:

so there. i wasn't so lazy and even made a collage. it's my lame attempt at adobe photoshop..ha, oh well, saves me from uploading all the pics individually...

she's going to rhode island for art school! she is too cool. i'm not gonna see her when she leaves...she's leaving vancouver! boohoo.

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 14:46:56 GMT

8 days. 8 days. 8 days.

i had dinner with ciara, zen, jess, aisling, sophie, george, and carmela for ciara's surprise bday thing on tuesday. of course it was fun, and we had some good vegetarian food. we ate at the foundation on main. and it's deelicious. i took tons of pics, i'll update it soon.

first time i hung out with aisling since she got back from montreal. she is still the same. it was nice seeing her, but she still does the singling out thing. everytime we go out in groups, she picks one person to talk to the whole time, and leaves everyone else out. so it's good for the person who gets picked, coz it's fun, but then everyone else is left out. i don't like it. it's dumb how she does that. ah well.

tuesday was my first day off after 30 days of working! straight! good lord, i was on the brink, going crazy. i'm so glad i'm quitting zara though! i'm almost done! wheee!! 8 days till new york. casey booked his flight last night. so he's going for sure. i kinda feel bad though, coz he's paying 300 dollars more than i did for the plane ticket, and he'll be there for 5 days, and me for 3 weeks. it's worth it though. but i still feel bad, he's going so much out of his way to come with me, just for me. no one has ever really done that for me. he said not to worry. but he was getting all frustrated last night trying to book online. but anyhow, he's going! and that's all that matters now. wooohoooo!

and dedicated to the upcoming canada day, can i just say..I LOVE CANADA! haha. i'm such a dork. i love living here. i love living in vancouver. it's a great place to live in. it's an awesome awesome country. people won't really appreciate how great it is, unless they live here. it's not the most exciting place to visit, but to live here? it's awesome..

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 17:21:14 GMT

i am just printing my resignation letter right now for zara. i'm excited to leave. i'll miss the people i like. but retail is not for me. maybe i'll do it again, but i'm gonna need to stop before i really start hating people.

on the bright side, i was talking to casey last night while he was at rebecca's, and so i got to talk to rebecca and she said she will definitely help me get a job at the sheraton doing banquets. she is so nice and super sweet. they start you at 14 and move up to 20 an hour. that's pretty damn sweet.

random note: ciara is doing the much music video awards, and all her dancers are wearing this zara top. shit, i can identify zara clothing from miles away....that really means i have to get out of there.

so hopefully i can get that job when i come back from new york. if not, i can probably get a job with zenith and jessica at whitespot. that would be fun too. working with my girls. hehe.

haven't hung out with casey since last monday. he misses me. haha, see that's the key. unavailability. i probably wont see him till tomorrow, so that'll be one whole week. that's a pretty good break for us. we haven't done it in i think a whole month now. holy shit. that's long. i'm going crazy. my hormones are at a very high level. fuuuck.

gotta get ready for el trabajo. adios.

Sat, 25 Jun 2005 16:04:40 GMT

i'm tired. fed up. i can't wait till i leave for new york. 2 more weeks baby. 2 more weeks. i'm really starting to hate ZARA (my work place). i can't stand management, i can't stand the mindless work that i do. i can't stand ingrid! i hate ingrid, she's our women's responsible, and she fuckin bosses everyone around. fucking bitch. i got into a mini-arguement with her last night. everytime she is being herself, i must sum up all the energy in me to not punch her out in the face with a screamin "fugly slut bitch whore skank" flying out of my mouth. she's just so immature, no manners whatsoever. she's just a fuckin rude bitch who has no people skills! die! die! die!

ok RANT OVER. i had to let that out. this is anger management for me right here.

so casey is coming to new york with me for sure! i'm suuupppeer exciiiteeed!!! wheee. i've been trying to look for decent hotels where we can stay at. it's gonna be soo soo fun. we were talking about it, and it's either this trip will be really good for us, or be REALLY bad. could go both ways. one whole week living together? shit. it was so funny. i went to the bank to do some stuff, and he was there to help me out. we were talking and he mentioned that he got another credit card. and i answered with "i need one of those"...then he proposed that i could be a co-signer for his new card. i was like "umm we haven't even had the talk yet and we're co-signers on a credit card?" haha..slow down. it was funny though, we were both kinda had that look and he just said, "walk away now", while i said "i'm gonna go now". it was one of those moments.

i always make fun of casey about how everything is about him. everything is his. "this is me, mine, my..." it's our own little joke and i tease him about it. but it's really not true, it's actually the opposite. he is quite selfless, thinking about others before himself. i mean frick, this whole trip to new york is all about me, and he's coming with me, wanting to share the experience that i will have. he always think about my sake and others. he's a fabulous person. exceptional really. i am honoured, and i respect him truly.

i'm watching discovery channel, something about tsunamis. very interesting. i love it. they predict there is gonna be a MEGA tsunami coming from the canary islands from this ocean island called la palma that's made up of 2 volcanoes, one active, one extinct. once the active volcanoe kubre vieja errupts however many times it needs to errupt to cause the massive landslide of the west side of the island, then it will cause a mega tsunami that will be catastrophic, it will hit the east coast of the americas. the coast of miami, boston, new york, etc. it will be even more catastrophic and even more deadly than the last christmas' tsunami. it's not gonna happen for decades, but just thinking about it. it's gonna be insane. it is inevitable that this will happen, just a matter of finding out when. it's mother nature i tell ya.

Wed, 22 Jun 2005 05:33:44 GMT

shit. 16 days till NYC. i can't wait. =D

i saw casey 4 days in a row. most iv'e seen him ever. now we're on a break. haha. not really, and not actually. you know you need to at least not see him for a day or two when you start leaving his house in a bad mood. i even cried, but shh, he doesn't know that. it was only because he kept saying "no tears". you know when people say, "are you ok?" or "don't cry", then it makes you feel like you wanna cry more! it's the worst thing you could say someone who's pissed off or upset.

i hate how one fucking wrong move i did in my past. one mistake led to so many other things that fuck me over. fuckin ripple effect. but nonetheless, casey is very positive and it takes a lot to break his spirit. always finds the bright side. we need more people like that in the world. i listen to him, he's wise.

he even went to metrotown to my work yesterday! i was so glad. he NEVER leaves downtown and for him to go all the way to burnaby to come see me on my lunch break. it was very nice of him. some people from work saw me with him. it was kind of nerve racking to bring him to work...everyone's so into everyone else's lives at work that i knew i was gonna get the grilling if everyone saw me with him. i totally appreciate him coming though.

too good to be true. actually, it's so good, that the problems hit us in other areas in our relationship. it's like fuck, you just really can't have everything.

Sat, 18 Jun 2005 17:45:59 GMT

i hung out with casey and nicko last night. nicko was overtly happy. happy silly like i've never seen before. he was all jumpy, doing kung fu moves, running into tree trunks, even gave me a piggy back ride. i like that side of nicko. so it was fun fun just aimlessly walking round denman with them. casey and nicko would take turns carrying me coz i was dead beat tired. i didn't know 30 year old somethings could be so fun.

the situatiion with kirsten was really creepy and scary even for me! so there's this girl kirsten, ryan's old friend from edmonton, who is supposedly in love with ryan, but nothing has really happened between them. she came downt to vancouver from edmonton with her 1 and a half year old son. they fled from edmonton overnight. it was some custody battle thing between the dad. so she had to leave edmonton, so she ended up staying at casey's house until she finds her own apartment here and before all her stuff from edmonton arrive.

she is actually crazy. she seemed nice and normal when i met her, but everything that casey has told me led me to believe she's psycho. and i'm telling you, she is. every single night she slept there, she begged ryan to sleep with her. she begged ryan to "make love" to her.

although joshua, her little baby is the cutest thing in the world. he is just too adorable.

anyhoo, so kirsten couldn't find an apartment, so she stayed in a hotel with all her stuff. 2 nights ago, she called casey and ryan, saying that she has been a bad mother, and that they need to pick up the kid right then and there. they wouldn't and told her to come to them. after much arguing, she shows up in their apartment with only her underwear on. and she left the kid in the hotel room by himself! she was obviously wacked out on something, we don't know what...but she wasn't normal.

so finally they decided to get the kid. and she was all violent about it. they called the dad in edmonton and got him to fly to vancouver to pick up the kid the next morning. before that ryan had to go back to the hotel to get some ID for joshua, because he wouldn't be able to fly without ID, so when ryan went back to the hotel, he actually had to tie kirsten down on the bed to be able to talk to her because she was so violent. she ended up staying at casey's house the whole day yesterday.

casey was freaking out. everything about her just reminded him of shannon. to him, he saw shannon. he said if he never believed in demon possessions, now he did. (shannon, was his psycho ex girlfriend who always hooked on something, violent, crazy, unstable, tried to kill herself infront of him kinda thing.)

so now joshua is safe back in edmonton with his dad. i'm glad. after casey told me the whole story, i was so disturbed. poor kid, for the kid to be even surrounded by this kind of action, it's just not healthy. fuck, it's dumb. it pisses me off and it's sad.

so casey totally freaked out because in kirsten he sees shannon. and that was a very traumatic thing in his life. to have that kind of feeling resurface is just freaky. ryan slept at rebecca's last night, and so he slept alone by himself with kirsten in the house. he wanted me to sleep over and accompany him. but of course i couldn't. we actually talked about it, and he was gonna push his bed against the door, so if ever she tried to come in his room, she wouldn't be able to, because he had no locks in his bedroom door.

ack. totally creepy. we were talking about that scene from exorcist the beginning with the girl in the tunnel and the guy's light went out. it was totally like that. how they would describe her when she was wacked out reminded me of the girl from the movie. demonic possession it is.

i'm amazed as to how these 2 boys, ryan and casey get themselves into these situations. how do you even come across crazy people like these. jeez. it's bizarre.

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 14:26:59 GMT

my parents still have not said anything. they are acting like everything is normal and that nothing happened. weird. bizarro world. i don't get it. meh. i'll just pretend nothing happened too. then we can all live in a place where everyone pretends. delusions. all delusions.

anyhoo, i got to go out with ciara, jessica and zenith last night. it was quite fun. finally, some real people. i've been on this mini rant (due to pms) about how i have only been dealing with fake people rather than the real ones i like. i mean there's casey in my life, but he's one real person compared to the rest of the people i have to deal with everyday. like the people at work. they're nice people and all. but i don't feel that real connection with them, therefore i consider them fake. they don't do it on purpose or anything, they just are to me. there's blessy who's real, but i hardly ever see her.

it's all about small talk and chit chat, oohings and aahings, and they all seem so fake. like there's no real deep level of thinking or conversation. shit, it bores the shit out of me.

i'm still on that road of selective socialism. i'm just pickier with friends now. and i feel like i have this standard if you don't interest me on the first few times i meet you, then i don't bother giving you the time of day. even the people i used to hang out with a lot. i don't really try to bother seeing them, because they just bore me. i have nothing to talk to them about, and it's just that people have changed. i have and they have. it's sad, but that's how it goes.

so i was really glad to see ciara, jess and zen. i hardly ever see them at all, so it's always so exciting when we go and hang out. we went to eat at locus on main. good food. mmm. then ciara ran into their friend up at UBC, so she joined us. she was cute and nice. her name was haylie i believe. ooh i took some pictures. i'll post em later.

EDIT:

(l-r: ciara, zen & haylie)

(top: jess & ciara, bottom: me & zenith) my blazer looks trippy in this pic, but really, it's just herringbone tweed.

hmm. i miss casey. i'm a dork. i saw him yesterday. for like 30 mins. we were both on our lunch breaks. i'm still hoping that he comes to new york with me. that would be so awesome if he did. cannot wait! =D i miss spending whole days with him. whenever i do see him, it'd be for a couple of hours or so. it's because i don't have anymore days off. boohoo. i miss sleeping over and waking up with him right beside me. snorting and sniffing with his gross boy sounds that wake me up. i never get to sleep over much, i've only done it a few times. i see no chance of that happening anymore because of recent events. i'm scared that if i ask the parents if i can sleep over, then they'll bring up the birth control/condoms incident.

invasion

Mon, 13 Jun 2005 16:40:34 GMT

so my parents are talking to me. i'm quite positive that my mum went through my bag, found my birth control and condoms in my pouch and took them. i can't believe she did that again. what the fuck is her problem. she angers me. i tried to stay away from her as much as i could. i came home last night and just went straight to my room and into bed. but as i woke up this morning, my dad came to the room and was waking up my brother, i opened my eyes, and saw him looking at me with dagger eyes. whoa. he gave me a really bad look, left and didn't say anything else to me.

fuck. whatever their problem is with me, i still think it's wrong that they invaded my privacy. AGAIN. repeatedly. this is not the first time. what the fuck do they want from me. i'm SO close to moving out. they're driving me away. gaaaah. it's bullshit. i can't live like this. me and blessy are on this long running plan to move out. once, we get back from new york, we're gonna seriously start planning to move out. i can't live like this. i can't live trying to hide things from them and them looking through my shit.